The Five Love Languages(PART 2)
Birge-Bytes: Type #2 QUALITY TIME.
What does “quality time” mean?????
1. To give a “portion” of your life to someone else.
2. Undivided attention...at the moment IT IS IMPORTANT.
3. THIS IS ACTUALLY HARDER THAN THE OTHERS BECAUSE IT REQUIRES MORE OF YOUR TIME! ( A TOUCH CAN TAKE A SECOND...VERBAL PRAISE JUST SEVERAL SECONDS BUT QUALITY TIME SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE....It is easier to GIVE them THINGS than spend time with them...many teens live in houses FULL of gadgets but EMPTY of enough love...
“Without focused time for your teenager they can feel increased anxiety and that everything else is more important than them to you."
WHAT IS IT????
(1) TOGETHERNESS....NOT PROXIMITY (IN THE SAME HOUSE) BUT TO REALLY BE “IN TOUCH” WITH THEM.
Playing music, watching a ball game/t.v show,etc. Includes
eye contact, body language, words, touch...doesn’t have to be 2 hours of in depth conversation....going “fishing” but do not focus on the activity only and not each other......
(2) QUALITY CONVERSATION: Where EACH is free to express their experiences,thoughts,ideas and desires in a friendly, accepting way. NEED TO SPEAK WITH EACH OTHER AND NOT JUST AT EACH OTHER!!
Words of Affirmation (#1) focuses how we SAY something.
Quality Conversation(3) focuses on how we HEAR something!
You can ask questions to better understand how they feel
BUT... never in a badgering way.
When our teens were young we used Instructions & Commands!
Now, we need to let them THINK THEIR OWN THOUGHTS, EXPERIENCE THEIR OWN EMOTIONS AND HAVE THEIR OWN DREAMS WITHOUT HAVING TO "ASSESS" THEM.
*THIS ONE CAN BE THE MOST DIFFICULT TO CHANGE AND DO.....
TYPE #3 is Receiving Gifts
WHAT MAKES A GIFT A SIGN OF EMOTIONAL LOVE?
IT IS A VISIBLE....TANGIBLE ITEM....COMES FROM the GREEK WORD “CHARIS” THAT MEANT “grace” and “an undeserved gift”. This type of gift does not have to have any other reason except a tangible show of "uncondtional love."
IT IS NOT PAYING FOR A SERVICE BUT GIVEN TO EXPRESS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
MANY PARENTS THINK THEY ARE “GIVING GIFTS’ BUT IN REALITY IT IS THE PAY FOR A SERVICE OR IT IS USED TO MANIPULATE TEENS TO DO SOMETHING THEY WANT DONE. OUCH!! TRUTH HURTS SOMETIMES,EH?
HOW YOU CAN TELL????
“WHAT WAS THE LAST GENUINE GIFT I GAVE MY TEENAGER? WHEN YOU REMEMBER..ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION:
“DID I REQUIRE ANYTHING OF MY TEENAGER BEFORE I WOULD GIVE THE GIFT? IF SO....IT IS NOT A GIFT.
CHRISTMAS OR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS ARE GIFTS....
WARNING...TEENAGERS CAN USE THIS! THEY ARE WILLING TO “DEAL” WITH THE PARENT OR "BUG THEM" UNTIL THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT....BUT THESE ARE NOT TRUE GIFTS!!!
A TRUE UNCONDITIONAL "I LOVE YOU" GIFT HAS SOME “CEREMONY” WITH IT...EXTRA EFFORT TO WRAP OR PRESENT IN A SPECIAL WAY WITH AFFECTION....( MOST TEENS WANT SOMETHING...THEY GET IT AND THAT IS IT!)ALMOST LIKE “THEY OWE IT TO ME & I GOT IT”!
(1) THEY NEED TO LEARN TO WORK FOR IT IN ORDER TO APPRECIATE ITS VALUE OR TO BE ABLE TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS IN THE ADULT WORLD!
(2) IF A PART-TIME JOB WOULD MESS UP SCHOOL ACTIVITIES; SPORTS,DRAMA,ETC.MAYBE THE PARENT COULD “PAY” THEM LIKE THESE WERE THEIR "WORK SCHEDULE" IN THE FORM OF AN ALLOWANCE FOR ALL THAT EXTRA EFFORT PUT IN....JUST A THOUGHT BUT KIND OF COOL.
(3) A PARENT CAN ALSO GIVE MONEY FOR SPECIFIC THINGS....SPORTS CAMP, CHURCH CAMP, A CONCERT, A PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS, ETC....GIVE IT WITH A LITTLE CEREMONY, EFFORT AND LOVE......
DO NOT JUST FREELY HAND OUT MONEY OR THEY WILL LEARN NOTHING BUT MATERIALISM!!
TYPE #4 IS ACTS OF SERVICE
BEING A PARENT IS A “SERVICE-ORIENTED JOB?! BUT...THE SERVICE CHANGES WHEN THEY BECOME TEENS!
ACTS OF SERVICE IS ONE OF THE BRIGHTEST LIGHTS YOU CAN SHOW FOR YOUR TEEN OR HAVE YOUR TEEN DO TO YOU..
ACTS OF SERVICE FREELY GIVEN BY PARENTS IS A TRUE EMOTIONAL LOVE GIFT TO THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER.
THROUGHOUT HISTORY GREAT PEOPLE HAVE SHOWN THIS POWERFUL LOVE....GHANDI, SCHWEITZER, JESUS, MOTHER THERESA HAVE ALL BEEN EXAMPLES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHANGED THE WORLD POWERFULLY BUT HUMBLY BY SERVING
OTHERS....
THE RIGHT WAY...
IT MUST BE FREELY GIVEN.....NOT AS A “DUTY” YOU FEEL YOU MUST PREFORM!
WE NEED TO TAKE AN ATTITUDE CHECK TO MAKE SURE WE ARE COMMUNICATING LOVE WITH THIS METHOD AND NOT MAKING THE OTHER PERSON FEEL GUILTY “CAUSE YOU ARE SO TIRED”...ETC. OR MAKE THEM FEEL THEY HAVE TO “BEG YOU” FOR HELP.
MUST NEVER BE USED TO “MANIPULATE” OTHERS TO DO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO AND REQUIRE A “PAY BACK”. “I’LL DRIVE YOU TO YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU CLEAN YOUR BEDROOM...
THE OLE “I WILL....IF YOU WILL” THING. THIS IS A 2-WAY STREET AND THE TEEN CAN MANIPULATE THE PARENTS THE SAME WAY BUT IT IS NOT A TRUE EXPRESSION OF LOVE.!!
THE OLE “IF YOU LOVE ME.....YOU WILL....!" SHAME ON YOU.PITIFUL.HA.
THE RECIPROCAL WAY:
Parents want their children not only to feel loved by us but to then know how to love others!!
IT IS CALLED "RECIPROCAL MODELING AND GUIDING"
THE PARENT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN HOW THE CHILD WILL PERCEIVE OTHER PEOPLE AND MILESTONES IN THEIR LIFE LATER.
*DON'T YOU WISH CHILDREN CAME WITH A MANUAL??
type # 5 is: PHYSICAL TOUCH
(On either end of life: Infants and toddlers OR the elderly it is vital!)
With TEENAGERS??? It depends on When, Where & How!
WHEN? (THE TIMING)
1. In front of their friends...BEWARE...may embarrass/may not!
2. If they are in a BAD MOOD...BEWARE...but if they’ve just had
a disappointing day...it may be GREAT.
3. Remember their main objective is INDEPENDENCE/SELF - IDENTITY.
4. PHYSICAL TOUCH MUST BE DONE AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME,IN THE APPROPRIATE PLACE AND IN THE APPROPRIATE MANNER.
DO NOT: when they are mad! at you OR someone else....anger is a “pushing away” behavior....if their arms are folded or they are standing apart from you and not close...body signals. They may see it as an effort to “control” at that time.
GOOD TIME: when they have just accomplished
something important...sports,school,etc. OR during times of having failed at something wanted badly they may really need this affirmation.THE RIGHT PLACE? (LOCATION)
DO OR NOT TO DO....THAT IS THE QUESTION PARENTS!
In most public places....BE cautious.
IN FRONT OF THEIR “PEERS”! CAREFUL... However, if THEY come to you FIRST and Touch, Hug,etc. give it back!! cool!
In front of extended family usually fine or the privacy of one’s home.
THE APPROPRIATE WAY TO TOUCH (be flexible)
Know your own child....hugs, kisses, pats, backrubs,arm wrestling,tender touches....the way they liked touching as a child MAY have changed as a teenager! They may see it as too “childish” now. (identity/Independence thing)
You must speak “their love language...NOT yours!
The emotional climate is important,too. (a Mother withholding hugs to punish....)
You can still use loving touch WHILE you explain not liking the Behavior done.
DO NOT:
INAPPROPRIATE WAY TO TOUCH (DUH)
(1) PHYSICAL ABUSE AND ANGER (beating,kicking,hitting while mad,slaps,pushes,shoves,choking,holding & shaking...) The teenagers’ “love tank” will not only be EMPTY BUT RIDDLED WITH DAMAGING HOLES!
IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO APOLOGIZE;YOU NEED TO SEEK TREATMENT FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT.
(2) SEXUAL ABUSE....NEVER RIGHT!
The next post will contain the assessment "test" (no wrong answers on this:)
For further clarification Gary Chapmans book can be found at any bookstore.....Mrs.B.
